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Humour - Doggy Dictionary |
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Dictionary Of Human Words For Savvy Dogs:
- BATH: This is a process by which
the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
- BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control human body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out,
bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards.
 BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh
cup of coffee or tea.
- DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person,
then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
- DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as
the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the
living room
- DOGFATHER: Beware! Dogfather knows way too many of our little secrets for his own good. If you catch your person calling this guy, the game's up. Chew through the phone cable immediately and deploy your best cute puppy expression in defence. Repeat as necessary.
- DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall
to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
- DUSTBIN: A container which neighbours put out every week to test your
ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push it over. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to
shred, beef bones to consume etc.
- HOUSE: Your house, naturally. Don't let them forget it or they'll only get ideas above their station...
- JUMPING UP: The best way of welcoming your person and visitors to your house. Considered very good manners in doggy circles and appreciated by humans, who invariably react in a very excited way (Especially when carrying things)
- LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit !", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
- LEAD: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go. Don't be too gentle with them either - pull hard, they'll love and respect you all the more for it.
- LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. We can't help it. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're
lucky, a human will love you in return.
- SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
- SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as
close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several
times until your person makes you stop.
- THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the
danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting and barking.
- WASTE BASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old sweet
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over
the house until your person comes home.
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